See the vivid blue skies,
Smell the scent of autumn on the air,
Hear the birds chirping about you,
Taste the magnificent red strawberry,
Feel the drops of rain as they hit your face,
These are the things I crave now,
Thank God I’m alive!
Sassyflamerunnerprince, 2021
“Today, I offer myself acceptance, kindness, and loving care. I join with those who honor my existence as I honor theirs.” (Glad Day, Hazelden)
“Create space between yourself and your reactions…..”
( Daily Motivation, 9/01/21)
That’s it! This is one of the core achievements a guy like me needs to become more emotionally mature. For me, emotional maturity, is the appropriate and judicious use of my emotional resources for the best possible outcome. Oh, and a strong dose of humility helps as well.
In the 1970’s it used to be a common snarky insult to call someone a space cadet. Obviously, implying an absence of or lack of use of brain matter. With respect to emotional sobriety, it may not be such a terrible thing to be known as a space cadet. Is it possible to be so secure in your essence that you are free to be who you are and not feel a need to hide, respond urgently, or irrationally? Can you train your brain to embrace affirming energy and avoid toxicity?
In years past, I wouldn’t have understood the concept. My reactions were who I was. I had immediate physical and emotional symptomology with any situation that didn’t appear to be going my way. Pounding headaches, colds, and sweaty, icky underarms were common daily occurences. There was no space between the realities of daily life and my immediate reactions to them. I have to be careful, for I have a stubborn, low self-esteem streak and a host of irrational beliefs that can mess my day up. If my mind isn’t in the right space, I can process interactions irrationally and create situations that didn’t have to happen.
Excellent counseling has helped me to challenge the origins of my irrational thoughts. A particularly excellent counselor taught me about thought-shifting. When I talk about it, I often get blank looks, but it’s simply a process in which an unpleasant or non-affirming thought can be quickly set aside in favor of a more affirming or happier thought. This counselor also challenged and helped me to address many of my deepest and most enduring irrational thoughts. I’ve also done a lot of honest self-appraisal of my strengths and areas for improvement. I have confidence in and trust in this self-analysis so when I encounter negativity I can compare it to my truth and act accordingly. The result being, space was created between myself and and my next action.
Elizabeth I of England talked about creating her private space in: “my lord, I like to pretend there is a pane of glass between me and ….them. They can see me, but can not touch me. You should try it.” (Elizabeth: the Golden Age, 2007). This quote may not be historically accurate, but it still serves the idea of creating that safe space in your mind. We can create a kind of emotional matrix with cross fibers of faith, humility, gratitude, and self-knowledge. The matrix leads to a mental space that fostors improved self-esteem or self-image.
For many years, I walked around with a head full of self-centered and self-abusing thoughts. These terrible thoughts were ever present and I masked them with alcohol and drugs. I wouldn’t wish addiction on my worst enemy. It is a dark, hairy, vicious beast. Rehab and 12 step meetings were in the cards for me.
Years later, I still attend 12 meetings as they have given me a way of life and a basis for faith and self-awareness. As I work with others, I try to view each interaction as an opportunity to practice my emotional skills. “Difficult people,”as we all know, are very challenging to deal with from an emotional sobriety perspective. Each time, I try to figure out why this person bothers me and attempt to make mental corrections in the future. Looking at interactions this way, takes away the fear in confrontation. Am I being unfair to myself by comparing myself to this person? What trigger points are being pressed within me? The “whys” should be explored and worked on daily. I keep abreast of my list of qualities and opportunities for improvement and hold them as my truth. I can then challenge thoughts that arise.
These are merely the steps I take to maintain emotional sobriety. I believe faith, hope, gratitude, humility, and doing the next right thing can lead us to emotional sobriety. Often, doing the next right thing may involve doing nothing. The real work involves finding that space between yourself and your reactions and then making it work for you. So yes, call me a space cadet, I won’t mind.
The following poem is an expression of my reaction to a conversation I had with a newly recovering alcoholic. He presents himself; purposely, as a tough guy that other men won’t mess with. A mis a man’s man, proudly showing off his tatooed body; and in particular, an image of his much-loved Dad, emblazoned on his left side.
My initial impression of him was that of someone who had suppressed his emotions his whole life. He was emoting so much emotion that he was just like a very ripe tomato ready to explode. He must have considered me a trustworthy person because he shared many stories and feelings that were deeply personal. I had only met him an hour earlier.
I felt honored to have heard part of his story. I realized that as much as I have complained about my lot in life, my problems were mere relative blips in comparison to his earth-shaking problems. A revelation occured to me. My problems have never been so massive and dramatic as I have let on all these years. I have everything I need to live well. I’d better buckle up because I have a lot more work to do!
Are acceptance and expectation management appropriate in minimizing victimhood?
He spoke to me of his life;
Visual snipits of abuse, hunger, alcohol, crime, and prison assaulted my awareness.
He blushed with shame because of a secret and forbidden indescretion.
I saw his eyes redden;
Tears trickled down his cheek;
I felt my own feelings of sadness surge;
I reviewed my life as he spoke;
He opened my eyes …I realized….
I’m no victim;
I never was and can’t be tomorrow;
I’m blessed;
I’m grateful.
I’m humble.
I am myself…….
Saxon's Blade 